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Drugs in Sports: All in Favor?

By Sarah Leugers, DERF Sports Columnist
You'd have to live under a rock or in Pisgah not to be acutely aware of performance-enhancing drugs in professional sports. Are they good for the spectator? Or a nefarious byproduct of our nation's obsession with more. Let's take a look, sport by sport.
The over 50 Champions Tour recently announced that they'll follow the PGA standards for testing for steroids. That's funny. I'd personally like to see Arnold Palmer suddenly inflate and increase his visor size by 2 inches a la Barry Bonds. But these guys are old. Combining shrinkage with a Viagra prescription could be disastrous. Verdict: Out.

The upcoming Tour de France has the doping wheels turning again. I will stand by Lance Armstrong until the end. He only has one testicle and he won SEVEN consecutive Tours. But I'm still torn about Floyd Landis. He had that crazy comeback in the mountains. Sample A was positive; sample B was clean. And he's a Quaker or Mennonite or something, and I think they're supposed to be honest. But at the end of the day, racing isn't more exciting to watch when they're juiced. “Look at the stamina on that guy. He keeps pedaling.” Bo-ring. Much respect, not much interest. Verdict: Laissez-faire.

In light of the recent Chris Benoit tragedy and its possible links to drugs, I will prove that I have an iota of tact by choosing not to make fun here. Verdict: Abstention (Read: A rare case of discretion).

Men's tennis has lost its luster. Less than 20% of Americans know who Roger Federer is.  Racquet technology has already surpassed a human's ability to return a majority of those guys' serves. Drugs would only aggravate the situation. But let's take a note from the East Germans swimmers-ladies can take steroids too. I want to know if Serena's ass can get bigger. As it is, I can rest my laptop on that thing. Morbid curiosity is getting the best of me. Verdict: Out of men's tennis; In for women's.

Chicks dig the long ball. Verdict: Don't ask, don't tell Jose Canseco.

This is an interesting case. No one talks about steroids in the NBA. I don't know if David Stern, omnipotent shaman that he is, has magically silenced the media, or if these guys really aren't juicing. But the NBA finals are virtually unwatchable and we are losing in international competitions to Italians and Argentinians, and I have a real problem with that. Jordan would be issuing code reds on his teammates if he were playing today. Unacceptable.  Verdict: Let's try SOMETHING.  The WNBA is even more unwatchable.  Testing positive for steroids should be mandatory. 

All for 'em. No question. Harder hits. Bigger, better, faster, more. That is what the sport is about. Sure I feel bad that everyone's getting concussed and former NFL players are living shorter lives. Hey, “sorry.” That's what you're paid for. Verdict: In.