City of Pittsburgh curls up in ball, cries like baby
PITTSBURGH, PA - After watching their beloved Steelers being swept by the Cincinnati Bengals in a crushing defeat on their home field, the entire city of Pittsburgh has decided to deal with their pain and embarrassment by curling up in a fetal position and weeping like a baby.
The move toward infantilism began as the Steelers failed to make a fourth down conversion and the game clock ticked down to a second Bengal victory in as many tries this season. Fans in the stadium and all around the city began falling to the ground and assuming a fetal position. Sobs began to ring out throughout the region.
Pittsburgh residents then crawled toward each other seeking out warmth and comfort, resulting in a mass of sobbing humanity interspersed with yellow towels. The towels soon became wet as they soaked up the tears, and health officials now worry about a mass outbreak of rashes.
Few residents were able to comment beyond infantile shrieks, though one managed to say, “Well, maybe the Pirates will be good next...” and then he fell back into convulsive sobs.
No end is in sight for the crisis. Residents did not even respond when FEMA officials tried to bribe them with free Iron City Beer and Primanti brothers sandwiches, making them officially inconsolable.
Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has also taken the loss personally. “What more can I give this city? I already gave one appendix. I only have one left.”
- Pittsburgh only major U.S. city where Michael Vick seems classy
- Robbie Knievel injured on teacup ride after setting jump record
- Tom Brady blames global warming for deflated footballs
- Chris Henry offers to mentor Josh Hamilton
- Charlie Sheen offers words of hope to Reds and Cincinnati prostitutes
- NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell tweets about Ochocincoís tweeting fine