our breathtaking newsletter

Weekly gloriousness sent to your inbox.

Drop your email address here»

Featured Local Event         full calendar»

Monday, September 1st - 11:30 AM-1:00 PM

70 cent wing night! @ Mt. Lookout Tavern (MLT's)

DERF Happy Hour

Friday, Sep 12 - 5:30PM-9:00PM

Mt. Lookout Tavern (MLT's), $10 for 10 Beers -OR- 7 Cocktails!
business News
  • Comments
  • business home
  • Related Stories
  • Email To Friend

Kmart closings leave thousands of filthy, uncooperative employees jobless

CHICAGO, IL - The announcement that dozens of Kmart department stores will be closing has hit hard for many of their filthy, uncooperative employees. The closing stores will inevitably result in the laying off of thousands of the filthy, uncooperative employees. 


“I’m not going to let any of the speculation get to me,” said Kmart employee Art Garner. “I’m just going to keep doing what I do when I come in to work every day. Stand outside smoking, walk around the spills on the floor, and occasionally shoplifting stuff if and when we ever get anything good enough in here to steal.”


Should they lose their jobs prospects for the filthy, uncooperative employees remain bright. “There is a big problem with general lack of jobs right now,” said employment expert Doug Kelvin. “However, that is mostly among workers who are competent. It seems there are many companies in America where there will always be a place for incompetent and rude employees.”


“I’ve already got my resume in to Time Warner to be a phone rep,” said filthy, uncooperative Kmart customer service representative Tamara Carlina. “I feel I can really put my uncooperative nature to good use with Time Warner. They might even put me in a TV commerical.  However, I worry that working with customers over the phone will not take full advantage of my deepest uncooperative skills. I guess I’ll just try to make up for that by being extra uncooperative.”


Though Kmart blames the closings on a bad holiday season, economist Steven Walker believes the real story is more complicated. “Kmart has a hard time fitting into the current consumer market The discount department store paradigm shift has resulted in consumers looking elsewhere. Plus, they really like to hire crazy-eyed, power-tripping, filthy broads in the customer service department.”