Mulch wars heating up between global petroleum conglomerates.

CINCINNATI - The competitive mulch season is in full swing as gas stations compete for coveted mulch dollars.

An oil industry spokesman recently commented, "Profits in the oil business were acceptable but mulch sales have given us the revenue boost we needed."

Industry followers predict the oil industry will continue to shift it's focus from the traditionally expensive and highly regulated oil operations toward the relatively untapped and highly profitable mulch industry.

Other businesses reportedly exploring opportunities in the mulch arena are pharmaceutical companies, publishing conglomerates, and financial institutions.