Girl Scout Cookie feeding-tube boosts profits

NEW YORK - The Girl Scouts of America unveiled a new feeding tube device this week designed to deliver Girl Scout cookies in a paste form to customers who are unconscious or cannot chew food for other reasons.  The device is planned for use in hospice centers, retirement communities, and facilities for the terminally ill.    Girl Scouts of America officials say they eagerly anticipate reaching out to this previously untapped customer base as a source of revenue growth. 

A Girl Scouts of America spokesman said, "This innovative device is good news to Girl Scout who has labored under the pressure of traditional sales avenues such as canvassing neighborhoods and asking parents to coerce coworkers to purchase cookies.  Now we just deliver the containers of cookie paste to hospitals where it is then steadily moved through feeding tubes."

At the heart of the system is the digestible paste which is made by workers in a factory in Mexico who mix the crushed cookies with a liquid emulsion in 5 gallon buckets.  The buckets are then shipped to hospital facilities throughout the United States. 

Early reports indicate coma victims who consume the Thin Mint paste display increased brain wave activity.  Doctors are uncertain at this point if this is due to fond memories of the Thin Mint flavor or if it is the result of an objection to discomfort from the intake of several pounds of cookie emulsion.

Other profit boosting strategies developed by the Girl Scouts of America includes the outsourcing of all North American cookie sales to a call center in India.  During a  demonstration open to the media, a call center leader unveiled the sales pitch developed for every call center operator, "Hello, I am Rakesh Marwani. May I send you very delicious box of wonderful thin mints cookie?"