Girl Scout Cookie feeding-tube boosts profits
NEW YORK - The Girl Scouts of America unveiled a new feeding tube device this week designed to deliver Girl Scout cookies in a paste to customers who are unconscious or cannot chew food for other reasons. The device is planned for use in hospice centers, retirement communities, and facilities for the terminally ill. Girl Scouts of America officials say they eagerly anticipate reaching out to this previously untapped customer base as a source of revenue growth.
A Girl Scouts of America spokesman said, "This innovative device is good news to Girl Scouts who have labored under the pressure of traditional sales avenues such as canvassing neighborhoods and asking parents to coerce coworkers to purchase cookies. Now we just deliver the containers of cookie paste to hospitals where it is steadily delievered through feeding tubes."
At the heart of the system is the digestible paste which is made by workers in Afghanistan who mix the raw cookie ingredients with their bare feet in 55 gallon drums. The drums are then shipped to hospital facilities throughout the United States.
Early reports indicate coma victims who consume the Thin Mint paste display increased brain wave activity. Doctors are uncertain if this is due to fond memories of the Thin Mint flavor or the result of discomfort from the intake of several pounds of cookie emulsion.
Other profit boosting strategies developed by the Girl Scouts of America include the outsourcing of all North American cookie sales to a call center in India where hundreds of operators can be overheard saying, "Hello, I am Michael. May I send you very delicious box of wonderful thin mint cookie?"
- Ratings increase as Time Warner replaces Channel 5 with test pattern
- New Brent Spence bridge plan: no exits from Downtown Cincinnati to Lexington
- Domino’s Pizza driver robbed, forced to eat own pizza
- Cincinnati parking meter #13724 inducted into Parking Meter Hall of Fame
- Local gangs integrate CinWeekly logo in gang graffiti
- Mulch wars heating up between global petroleum conglomerates.