Gulf oil slick reaches Beach Waterpark
MASON, OH - The damage caused by the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has extended to The Beach Waterpark in Mason. Patrons and workers arrived at the park to discover sludge and shimmering balls of petroleum.
Environmentalists and patrons alike were shocked at the sight of an oil slick extending throughout the Ohio water park. Scientists are attempting to contain the spill within the Kahuna Beach wave pool, but expect that it may reach Emerald Bay and the Hidden Rapids by later in the week.
“We at least hope to keep the environmental sanctity of Volcanic Panic,” said Beach spokesperson Katie Murphy. “After that, we are going to have to worry about the beautiful white sands of our volleyball court. This is the worst environmental scare here since a group of Miami sorority women brought a case of Nati Lite into the park.
Environmentalists say that estimating the damage is impossible at this point in time. Workers are currently applying Dawn dishwashing liquid to dozens of oil covered bird-shaped rafts and shark-shaped arm floaties.
Many patrons found that the oil slick was unsightly, but did not hamper their enjoyment of the park. “I think the oil makes the Banzai water slide even faster!” exclaimed twelve year old Morgan Lemon. “I was going like 150 miles an hour!”
Other patrons agreed that the oil slick is not all bad. “The balls of oil goo leave a rusty brown color on your skin,” said season pass holder Tonya Givens. “It’s like I have my August tan already in June. I’m gonna cancel my Cincinnati Tan membership!”
However, many have vowed not to return to the park until the situation is under control. “I’m taking my family to Great Wolf Lodge,” said West Chester resident Charles Kennedy. “The worst I have to worry about there is a little e-coli.”
- Rookwood Mall parking lot full until February
- General Electric innovates ultra-neutral employee holiday greeting card.
- Panera boasts most extensive bread-oriented art collection in U.S.
- Jeff Ruby breaks thirty second media silence to appear on Food Network
- Back-to-school gun sales reach all time high
- Local gangs integrate CinWeekly logo in gang graffiti