BP asks oil-soaked birds to return oil at authorized reclamation centers
HOUSTON, TX - As clean-up efforts continue, BP has made a request that all oil-soaked birds make their way to reclamation centers so the oil they’ve gathered can be returned. The centers will then process the oil and make it available for distribution.
“It is in the world’s best interest that oil supply remains stable. If that means wringing out a few seagulls in our avian oil reclamation center, then so be it,” said BP spokesman Robert Helford. “It isn’t like the birds are going to use that oil for anything useful.
The oil company considers their request to be beneficial to all parties, and hope that the birds will comply without having to take legal action. “We would like to make it clear that all oil that has leaked into the gulf is property of BP,” said BP CEO Tony Hayward. “These birds are already getting free massages and sponge baths at our expense, they aren’t keeping our oil too.
In an effort to show good faith, BP has decided not to charge the birds for the cost of removing feathers and grime from the oil. The reclaimed oil will be refined and sold at the pump under the names, “Sea Gull Economy,” “Albatross Plus,” and “Hi-Octane Pelican.”
- Car on top of Cadillac Ranch gets parking ticket
- Cinnabon customer first human to develop type III diabetes
- STUDY: 91% of blogger avatars too flattering
- Injured casino workers offered free buffet vouchers
- Authorities learn Lifelock CEO is imposter
- Everyone finally files suit against everyone else