City of Cincinnati scraps streetcar plan in favor of Ark construction
CINCINNATI, OH - As record rainfall continues in Cincinnati, city officials are scrambling to reallocate federal funds that were to be used for construction of a streetcar. The funds will be used to buld an ark.
The plan to use federal money for a streetcar had come under fire by conservative anti-tax groups. These same groups are generally supportive of the ark building plan. “As long as there is no future burden on the taxpayers,” said anti-public transportation lobbyist Chris Flannery. “Saving our civilization from the destruction of an angry God via an ark may be a good use of this federal transportation money. Of course, we’re also going to have to insist that no union labor be used to build it. Other than that, let’s start lining up two by two.”
Some members of council have proposed that instead of building an ark, the city should wait until 2014, and then lease the ark being built by the Creation Museum in Northern Kentucky. “Leasing the Kentucky ark would be a huge savings,” said Councilman Chris Bortz. “It will probably take that long for us to figure out what a ‘cubit’ is anyway.” Councilman Leslie Ghiz has stated that she hates the plan so much that she does not plan to read it. She went on to say that she loves the police, that her ankles are swollen, and that she would like to punch Laketa Cole in the face.
If the ark is built, it would then be used to house two of every kind of beast in Cincinnati, until the torrential rains come to an end. Passengers are expected to include two students from every Catholic high school, two organizers of every church festival, two chubby westsiders with cop mustaches, two snotty Cincinnati Country Day alumni, two slutty UC students, two ugly virgins from Xavier, two Hyde Park yuppies, two drunks from Mt. Lookout, two citizens from Over The Rhine including one hipster urban pioneer and one homicidal thug, and one pair of Pete Rose’s children who will be responsible for repopulating the city once the rain has subsided.
- Corpse found wrapped in KEEP CINCINNATI BEAUTIFUL banner
- Cincinnati's Banks development to have Northern Kentucky theme.
- Over The Rhine placed under house arrest
- Monkey escapes from Cincinnati zoo, returns to City Council
- City council drafts plan to attract better looking hookers to Cincinnati
- Remote control for Fountain Square TV lost
- Mayor Mallory in bitter battle to become Foursquare Mayor of City Hall
- Dick in a Smaller Box available for undersized men
- Preparing for prison life, Martha Stewart makes elegant improvements to prison uniform.
- Area traffic still clogged from St. Patrick’s Day DUI checkpoints
- Withrow High School installs water balloon detectors
- Rumpke landfill odor cancels out Price Hill stench
- National self-esteem convention not good enough