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Kroger sales down 13% from lack of winter hysteria

CINCINNATI, OH - The winter season has brought a bit of bad news to the Kroger company. A thirteen percent drop in grocery sales is being blamed on the distinct lack of winter hysteria in the Greater Cincinnati area.


“Usually we’ve had quite a few more inches of snow by now,” said Kroger director of sales Matt Cheney. “And we’ve usually had a few extra feet of BS snow predictions and fear mongering. We still have time, luckily, but general hysteria is going to have to have a significant increase if we stand any chance of meeting our yearly goal of snow-fear based sales.”


Kroger executives agree that the lack of snow has only been part of the problem. “Usually we can count on our friends in the weather predicting community,” said Kroger Vice President of seasonal fear based purchasing Sam White. “But it seems like their hearts aren’t really in it this year. Is it too much to ask for Tim Hedrick to go back to his time-tested usual tactic of urinating in his pants during a forecast that calls for slight accumulation? We’ve offered to pay for his dry cleaning and everything.”


The Kroger company has issued a memo to local weather departments with suggestions on how to return to their usual relationship. The memo offers suggestions such as incorporating a form of the word ‘armageddon’ into the forecasts as much as possible. “Our research finds that people really respond to that,” explains White. “Even if it’s not going to be a really big snow, we are hoping to start hearing phrases like ‘lightdustingageddon.’”


Even if this winter turns out to be a bust for Kroger’s hysteria based shopping, the company has it’s eyes set on the future. “At a meeting the other day, we may have hit on something,” said marking director Amanda Sheffeld. “Why should we limit ourselves to winter? We’re hoping a hot summer can bring wild eyed shoppers to their local Kroger to clear the shelves of frozen yogurt, ice, and moist towelettes.”