Starbucks adorns holidays cups with baby Jesus ornament
SEATTLE, WA - In an effort to avoid continuing controversy with some offended groups, coffee chain Starbucks has replaced the red coffee cup that has many saying they are not properly honoring Christmas. The new Starbucks coffee cup will be adorned with a Baby Jesus ornament, letting everyone know the true “reason for the season.”
“A plain red cup is an attack on Christianity,” explained Rev. Michael Alms of the Warrior Watchdogs for Christmas organization. “A lot of people said that feeding Christians to the lions was bad, or being stoned to death, or hung up on a cross. Well, those weren’t great, but it is nothing compared to what Christians in America are facing today. If you think about it, people who were being fed to lions or stoned to death weren’t going to live that long anyway. Now, thanks to all of these secular atheist scientists and doctors, we tend to live longer and spend all of those days suffering through people oppressing us with their logos, store sales, and improperly worded greeting cards. I hope that we’ve finally at least shown Starbucks the light.”
“The last thing we want is to offend anyone,” said Starbucks spokesman Jennifer Oswald. “After carefully looking into the situation, we’ve decided that the baby Jesus ornament on top of the cup not only looks fantastic, but will make everyone happy. I can’t see anyone possibly complaining about that, right?. And the good news for our business as a whole is that we were able to buy all of the baby Jesus ornaments in bulk at a great price from China, which will allow us to continue to offer our customers a cup of coffee at slightly less than ten dollars.”
Starbucks considered a few other plans before deciding to adorn their cups with baby Jesus. “We looked into several plans,” said Starbucks Senior Vice President of Marketing Kevin Schaefer. We wanted to incorporate as much of the true Christmas spirit into our beverages as possible. Unfortunately, we ran into a brick wall after a colossal test market failure of the Frankincense Spiced Latte.”
In anticipation of a future protest, Starbucks is currently working on a Hanukah themed cup, which would burst into eight magical flames randomly after purchase.
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