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West Virginia river water already green for St. Patrick’s Day

WHEELING, WV - With a celebratory tone, West Virginia environmental officials have announced there is a surprise in store for citizens looking to celebrate all things Irish. West Virginia river water will be a vibrant green hue for all festivities throughout St. Patrick’s Day weekend.


“Let the word go forth from this time and place,” said West Virginia EPA undersecretary of communication Lynn Fuller. “That West Virginia’s mighty rivers are alive with the spirit of Ireland! Let it also be said, there might be some other stuff in there too. So, please continue to boil water before consumption and only bathe if required by law. But above all else, Happy St. Patrick’s Day from our green tinged rivers to your happy homes!”


Since dealing with the massive chemical spill that hamstrung the state, West Virginia’s waters have been a concern. Now, however, this suspected consequence of the spill has rallied West Virginians to be proud of their waterways. “Bet you can’t find something like that in New York City,” said Charlestown resident Heather Walsh. “This is a great tourism opportunity. If the rivers are still green next year, there will probably be busses full of people who want to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day here. Not to mention, it’s easy to blend in here if you’re drunk. Everyone will just think you’re a meth addict.”


The state will continue to celebrate the condition of the rivers as long as possible. “Might as well make the best of it,” said West Virginia state representative Paul Davis. “Hopefully, the rivers might even turn a blue and gold color in time for West Virginia University Mountaineer football’s home opener.”