Oprah to pay everyone's mortgage

CHICAGO - Millions of Americans rejoiced this week after popular TV personality Oprah Winfrey announced plans to pay all future mortgage payments for every home owner in the United States.  Intended to save the U.S. economy from a financial melt-down, the gesture was announced this week on her show before a live studio audience.  

After the announcement Congress invited Oprah to testify regarding the feasibility of her bailout plan.  Oprah declined the invitation and explained she had already arranged for everyone's mortgage to be auto-drafted from her bank account and would therefore proceed with her plan with or without Congressional approval. 

When the financial markets failed to rebound following Oprah's announcement, she published a statement on her website explaining she also decided to pay for fuel efficient automobiles and health care insurance for every American.