Actual vampires outraged by portrayal as lame teens
TRANSYLVANIA, ROMANIA - As the popularity of the Twilight series of books and movies continues to rise, so too does the anger of the vampire population. Vampires are seemingly united in their disgust with the portrayal as lame brooding teenagers.
“In my 695 years, I’ve never been more embarrassed to be a vampire,” said Vampire Coalition President Vladimir Tolstic. “I thought things were getting bad when Tom Cruise played one of us, but he was a longshoreman compared to these punk kids.”
The VCP has lobbied for a boycott of the Twilight movies, and has threatened to picket screenings. They have also considered limiting new membership to men who will sign a pledge against whining or looking forlorn.
“It is important for people to realize that vampires are frightening, deadly, and lest we forget, manly,” Tolstic went on to say. “Even my wife has bought into it, asking ‘why can’t you be more like Edward.’ This isn’t the good old days when we were portrayed like real men like Bella Lugosi and Grandpa Al Lewis.”
- Distraught citizens cope with loss of Derek Beasley through heartfelt poetry
- Norwood Man Regrets Betting on WWE Wrestling Events
- Janet Jackson’s breasts mourn privately during memorial service
- Battle of Christian rock bands ends in peaceful tie
- Members of One Direction admit they were the ones booing Justin Beiber
- Jackson World Funeral Tour Scheduled