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Drunk drivers thank Enquirer for posting Friday checkpoints

Cincinnati—Drunk drivers who would otherwise blindly swerve their way to and from local watering holes raise their mugs to the Enquirer in gratitude. All over the tri-state, revelers have been celebrating the gritty journalists’ announcements of drunk driving checkpoints with Jager bombs, car bombs, and good old fashioned tequila shots. “Salud! Kanpai! Le’chiem!” they cheer.

“I would DEFINITELY have a yellow license plate by now if it weren’t for the weekly tip I get from the paper,” said Sam Beckman. “Totally,” agreed his fraternity brother Marshall Mooney. “I was going to drive home after getting wasted in Mt. Adams, but then I remembered seeing that there were going to be checkpoints near where I live in Walnut Hills, so I drove to my buddy’s place in Westchester instead and just crashed there.”

“Your reportings f*cking awesome!! Delts rule! And if you guys could also let us know where we can score a quarter bag without getting busted—a really good one, you know, the really fluffy kind with little red hairs and NO SEEDS. That’d be sweet.”