Man removes own appendix to avoid losing place in airport security line.
CINCINNATI - Stricken with appendicitis while waiting in the notoriously long security line at the Cincinnati airport, traveler Ted Billings had to choose between losing his place in the three hour line or making the best of a bad situation by self-performing an appendectomy.
Shocked travelers watched in horror as Mr. Billings partially disrobed and made the first incision into his lower abdomen using a plastic knife from the airport Au Bon Pain store. Noticing Billings’ handy work was more of a crude tear than a surgical incision, fellow traveler, William Davies said, "There was considerable bleeding. I gave him my coffee napkin but it wasn't helpful."
Reaching into the rough opening with his fist, Billings then grabbed the bloated appendix and abruptly removed it from his abdomen. After closing the opening with numerous paper clips donated by other sympathetic travelers, Billings eventually made his way to the X-ray machine. He was stopped by security guards after the X-ray machine detected the excessive number of paper clips. After a careful post-operative security inspection, Billings was allowed to proceed.
Airport employees say CVG travellers have accomplished many exceptional tasks while waiting in the security line such as adult and child diaper-changing, complete IRS tax audits, and corporate team-building sessions. Also, several corporate start-ups have been successfully executed from conception to launch.
- Mexican brothels now safer than pig farms
- Woman pretends to be offended by date’s over-willingness to divulge impressive income level
- Cincinnati public schools report math scores lower by like around 10% which is more or less about the same as around 10 out of every 100 or so.
- Marchers in Secretly Gay Parade disappointed that everyone knows they're gay now.
- Over-the-Rhine 'Stray Bullet Festival' disrupted by craft displays and food booths
- Clay Aiken's music turns iPod gay