Man removes own appendix to avoid losing place in airport security line.
CINCINNATI - Stricken with appendicitis while waiting in the notoriously long security line at the Cincinnati airport, traveler Ted Billings had to choose between losing his place in the three hour line or making the best of a bad situation by self-performing an appendectomy.
Shocked travelers watched in horror as Mr. Billings partially disrobed and made the first incision into his lower abdomen using a plastic knife from the airport Au Bon Pain store. Noticing Billings’ handy work was more of a crude tear than a surgical incision, fellow traveler, William Davies said, "There was considerable bleeding. I gave him my coffee napkin but it wasn't helpful."
Reaching into the rough opening with his fist, Billings then grabbed the bloated appendix and abruptly removed it from his abdomen. After closing the opening with numerous paper clips donated by other sympathetic travelers, Billings eventually made his way to the X-ray machine. He was stopped by security guards after the X-ray machine detected the excessive number of paper clips. After a careful post-operative security inspection, Billings was allowed to proceed.
Airport employees say CVG travellers have accomplished many exceptional tasks while waiting in the security line such as adult and child diaper-changing, complete IRS tax audits, and corporate team-building sessions. Also, several corporate start-ups have been successfully executed from conception to launch.
- Avian flu transmitted via Twitter
- Local man posts slightly too often on mobile mammography Facebook wall
- Boy finally informs parents he is adopted.
- Clay Aiken's music turns iPod gay
- To improve view, Cincinnati plans giant mirror on banks of Ohio River.
- Area sluts explore ways to continue wearing costumes after Halloween