Avian flu transmitted via Twitter
ATLANTA, GA - The Center for Disease Control has determined that the popular internet social media phenomenon Twitter is responsible for the spread of avian flu. CDC officials announced their finding via their Facebook page, to avoid further contamination.
Officials became suspicious after several cases of the flu were confirmed in teenagers who had not left their homes or had any actual social interaction outside of using their cell phones to send tweets. “I had just gotten a Tweet from Ashley telling me that her cat threw up.” explained avian flu victim Shannon Marksbury. “Then I started feeling queasy. I thought maybe it was just thinking about the cat puke, but then I got a headache too.”
It is suspected a strain of the avian flu has been transmitted via Tweets from one member of Twitter to another for months now. Officials are attempting to trace the strain back to find its origin. “We’re obviously exploring all options,” said CDC spokesman John Randolph. “So we’re not going to prematurely name names. However, I will say that nothing Ashton Kutcher has to say is worth dying over.”
Until the strain is contained, officials recommend washing mobile messaging devices, along with your hands after using Twitter.
- Mt. Lookout resident unable to attend next Derf Happy Hour due to hair appointment
- Derf writers agree only the most maladjusted, immature, and dysfunctional people will enjoy this article
- Local man sets record low in charity date auction
- Northside S.W.A.T. standoff ends in fabulous S.W.A.T. dance off
- Image of toaster appears on Virgin Mary painting
- Billions of Cicadas burrow eastward to avoid making debut on west side.