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Norwood celebrates 100 consecutive stabbing-free days

NORWOOD, OH - The city of Norwood has proudly announced their 100th consecutive stabbing-free day.  The one hundred day breaks their previous record of 59, and will be declared a holiday throughout the city.

The previous streak came to an end after over two dozen residents were stabbed during a parade to commemorate the event.  Officials plan to skip the parade this time, urging residents to celebrate by quietly reflecting on the occasion.  They have also asked that the quiet reflection take place as far away from cutlery as possible.

Experts believe the stabbing-free days are a result of several factors.  “The heat is certainly an issue,” said police spokesman Kevin Shaffer. “It’s hard for folks to work up the energy to stab someone when it is so muggy out. Especially when they’re drunk.”

On day 67 of the streak, officials worried it would end after a severe laceration took place at Quatman’s Cafe.  The city breathed a collective sigh of relief, however, it was discovered that the wound was self inflicted.  Norwood resident Mandy Poynter had accidently stabbed herself in the cheek with her fork while furiously eating her beef barbeque sandwich.  “That was wonderful news,” said Mayor of Norwood Thomas Williams. “Not only was there no stabbing, but it goes to show that some of our residents use utensils while eating.”