Expiring gym membership relieves sedentary woman’s guilt

CINCINNATI, OH - Upon discovering that her gym membership had expired, Tonya Cole has found that the guilt over her sedentary lifestyle has eased considerably. Tonya plans to celebrate the expiring membership by engaging in more sedentary activity in the coming weeks and months.
 “This is such a load off my mind,” explained Tonya. “Just knowing that membership card was in my purse gave me intense feelings of guilt every day as I laid on the couch watching TV. It really made me depressed and caused me to not even have the energy to change the channel. But now, I’m a much more chipper kind of sedentary!”

Tonya had planned to ceremonially bury the gym membership card in her back yard, but decided that it would require too much effort. “I’m just not up for the sweating that comes from digging,” said Tonya. “I might just flush it. Or tear it into little pieces and put it into my onion dip. And then flush it.”