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STUDY: Majority of high school students stoned during candlelight vigils

LIMA, OH - After conducting crowd analysis of a recent candlelight vigil at Lima Senior High School, researchers discovered that a majority of student attendees were stoned. Analysts said that the stoned levels ranged from being being slightly buzzed to majorly baked.

School officials decided to conduct the analysis after seeing an abnormal number of pizza deliveries to recent candlelight vigils. “We thought it was odd,” said assistant administrator Jeffrey Kline. “Especially when the Dominos guy was showing up every ten minutes at a candlelight vigil for the victims of childhood hunger. At least now we know they weren’t just playing a sick joke, they were just dealing with the munchies.”

“I don’t think we should be judged for it,” said stoned candlelight vigil attendee Marsha Bolinger. “We’re still here supporting the cause...whatever the heck that cause is. I forget. But the important thing is how cool those candles look when you’re stoned. It’s like they’re little glowing dancers who are performing just for you. Wow. I need to go write that down.”

School officials have decided not to crack down on students who attend candlelight vigils while stoned, but rather embrace it. Upcoming vigils will be open not only to candles, but incense and glow sticks as well.