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Eastgate finger population drops 20% during 4th of July celebrations

CINCINNATI, OH - Early estimates after Independence Day indicate that the population of fingers in Eastgate has dropped approximately twenty percent since the 4th of July celebrations ended. They estimate has a margin of error of plus or minus twelve points because it is believed many within the sample were unable to respond to the phone survey due to newly missing fingers.


The significant drop in finger population seems to be a direct result of a neighborhood party held in and around the home of resident Albert Rhodes. Albert planned the celebration after discovering a large crate of fireworks that he had forgotten about in his basement. “Me and the wife took a trip down to Tennessee back in ’84,” he explained. “We brought back half a truck full of fireworks but then had to leave town ‘cause a twister landed on my brother in law in Arkansas. I was pretty excited to find them again. A lot of them they don’t sell anymore or they got banned or something.”


Many believe that the finger population shift is only temporary, and that the fingers will begin making their way back to the Eastgate area. Local police are currently conducting a neighborhood-wide finger search.