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SantaCon interrupts Detroit looters

DETROIT, MI - This year's day-long Detroit SantaCon festivities presented significant obstacles for many Detroit looters who have traditionally enjoyed unimpeded looting access during the holidays. Many looters have complained about the difficult and unsafe work conditions created by SantaCon.


"SantaCon destroyed the holiday spirit of our people," complained looting Grand Marshal, Will Tucker. "The entire day was plagued with endless hardship as we tried to reach our looting goals despite constant interruption due to drunken mingling and disruptive sing-a-longs."


Reportedly, many looters had to loot overtime to catch up. "SantaCon really hampered my productivity,” said long-time looter and Ferndale resident Martin Kwah. "I had to come back the next day but most of the good stuff was gone. Now I have to waste time stealing Amazon packages until store inventories are replenished."


Lawyers representing many Detroit looters blame SantaCon coordinators for creating this threat to the livelihood of the city's looters.


SantaCon Coordinator and Grosse Pointe Resident, Ryan Girard, said during a press conference at the private Detroit Athletic Club, “We are disappointed to learn that a some members of the SantaCon community interfered with the daily life of fellow Detroiters. In all fairness, being millennials, we assumed the looters were actors hired for our benefit, probably by someone like notable entrepreneur Dan Gilbert, to create an authentic Detroit experience for us."


Regarding improvement plans for next year, Girard said, “On it. I already got the word out to Santacon nation on our Facebook group. I told them next year everything has to be more chill."


Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan plans to meet with SantaCon leadership to discuss strategies for allowing all of the city’s key services to operate unhampered including looting, drug sales, government corruption, Amazon package theft, sex trafficking, property blight, dumpster fires and many standard gang-related activities.