Iranian Officials: Violent protests are actually joyous celebrations
TEHRAN, IRAN – Iranian officials released a statement today expressing disappointment in the continued media misrepresentation of many joyous celebrations as violent protests.
The Iranian Minister of Communications, Fawzhid Mouhma, said, “Celebrating openly hand-in-hand with the police is the way of our passionate citizens. The many YouTube videos are not protests. They are energetic displays of love and affection between the police and people.”
The Minister further explained the alleged exploding tear gas bombs are actually Febreze packets of soothing springtime floral scent donated by the government to the people. “The people of Iran love to see the police shooting the packets from specially made Febreze rifles. Febreze helps eliminate many of the odors of daily life.”
Further information from Iranian state television states all cases of alleged police brutality are actually gentle administering of deep tissue shiatsu massage. “The people have spoken and we listened. We are providing more government services by utilizing the police force to administer free relaxing shiatsu massage to citizens in public areas. It is wonderful to see people laying on the ground completely relaxed after a thorough massage.”
In several Twitter messages, Iranian officials also noted that it is a time-honored tradition for Iranian citizens to throw wonderful gifts at the police in appreciation for their hard work. From a distance the gifts look somewhat like simple rocks but they are actually hand-made ornate carvings and beautiful ceramic heirlooms. As an extra measure of respect, some citizens actually take the time to adorn their gifts with a small flame which provides a more dramatic presentation. Harder and more frequently thrown gifts indicate the highest level of gratitude and appreciation. The more gifts the police receive, the more scented Febreze canisters they give back to the community.
In his closing statement the Minister compared the Iranian celebrations of joy to American celebrations following major sporting events in large cities like Detroit or on many college campuses. “These celebrations are similar in many ways. There are fires, turned over cars, throwing gifts at police, etc. It is all in the name of great joy and love.”
- Bush offers to stick around during transition if necessary
- Obama administration authorizes IRS to use drones
- U.S. Unemployment office lays off 6,000 workers
- 20 important impacts of the government shutdown
- Katy Perry’s skintight dress inspires Bill Clinton to run for office again
- Edward Snowden’s hacks help Vladimir Putin become unstoppable in online gaming