BP officials encourage oil-soaked birds to smile once in a while
NEW YORK, NY - BP Public Relations officials have made a request to all oil-soaked birds in the Gulf of Mexico, asking that they occasionally smile. After weeks of studying the effects of unhappy bird photos, BP officials believe the constant grim expressions of the birds creates an overly negative impact on the public.
“On behalf of BP’s board, employees and stockholders, I respectful ask these oil-soaked creatures to lighten up just a bit,” said BP CEO Tony Hayward. “Perhaps they could find their way to smile at least when there are cameras present. I believe they’ll find, as I do, that smiling makes one feel better whatever your situation.”
The steady stream of pictures of birds coated with oil have been a reminder of the damage inflicted upon the region’s wildlife. Hayward blames the media for showing only the bad pictures. “For every grumpy-faced pelican I am willing to bet that there are dozens of happy birds the public never gets to see. Perhaps even some birds are using the increased lubrication to spice up any number of bird mating-related rituals.”
When informed that birds have a limited, if any, ability to smile, Hayward remained unconvinced, stating, "We all know it takes more muscles to frown than to smile." Hayward added, “It’s not like these are British birds, with the bad teeth and all. They’re American birds who just need to turn their little birdie frowns upside down.”
- US Intelligence indicates Iraqi counterattack may be postponed indefinitely
- U.S. Media exhausted from grueling task of dictating Presidential election outcome
- Joe Biden suspected of sending nude texts of self to Michelle Bachmann
- Congress announces terrorist I.D. card program
- Victory in Iraq - Bush officials reports finding stockpiles of illegally removed Iraqi mattress tags.
- Cincinnati seeks transportation funds for OTR piggyback rides