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America's newspapers devote permanent section to heroin news

WASHINGTON, DC - To help feed the ever-increasing volume of heroin-related news across the United States, newspapers throughout the country have announced plans to devote an entire section of the paper to heroin news. The pullout section will feature at least twenty pages daily, with an extra dozen on Sunday.

“Readers of newspapers are aware of our commitment to the community,” said Gannet Vice President and newly appointed head of the heroin desk Patrick Murphy. “So naturally we are ready to devote the time and space to the Big H, our country's biggest problem, pastime, and topic of conversation."

The new section of most papers will show the entire heroin news spectrum. It will feature hard news about recent heroin busts and deaths, as well as lighter-hearted features about heroin. “We’ll have a separate obituary section related only to heroin deaths,” said Murphy. “We’ll have sports-related heroin news and other softer features like a dating advice column for heroin users, a comic strip about a heroin-addicted, wise-cracking kitty cat, as well as heroin-related crossword puzzles and word jumbles.”

Most newspaper sales managers believe the new section will invigorate readership and revenue. “We already have plenty of sponsors lined up,” said sales manager Charles Ivey. “We have some medical supply depots and a couple of rehab facilities. It looks like this is going to be so popular that we’re actually going to print the section in the old bigger size of the paper so it will really stand out.”