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Edward Snowden’s hacks help Vladimir Putin become unstoppable in online gaming

MOSCOW, RUSSIA - As leaks and emails continue to flow from the case involving former CIA systems administrator Edward Snowden, he continues to live life in exile at an undisclosed location in Russia. The protection afforded Snowden by the Russians is in no small part due to his numerous hacks which have allowed Russian president Vladimir Putin to become a major force in the online gaming community.


Using the screen name “VPOOT-01” Vladimir Putin has catapulted to the top of dozens of online gaming leader boards. “That dude is sick,” said American gaming expert Dylan Hutchins of Chicago. “I tried to face off with him once at World of Warcraft and the only thing more wicked than his play was his trash talking. I knew he was using a bot to help him play the game, but I also think he was using some sort of hack to talk trash. It was like he was spying on me. He made fun of my shirt and the decorations in my Mom’s basement. Impressive stuff.”


There has been talk of banning Putin at several gaming communities for his obvious use of cheat techniques. “We don’t allow that kind of stuff in the Dungeons and Dragons world,” said game master Trevor Hightower. “Unfortunately, VPOOT-01 has the ability to completely take over our community, server, and the minds of our players. Thanks Obama.”


Though his successes in various multiplayer online games has been incredible, Putin’s true love continues to be Candy Crush. Unfortunately for him, Snowden has been unable to crack the game’s code, and Vladimir has been sadly wallowing away at level 49 for almost six months.