In alternate universe Steeler fans celebrate win over Bengals with quiet dignity
ALTERNATE UNIVERSE - This week NASA Scientists unveiled a computer model of a theoretical universe in which Pittsburgh Steelers fans behaved in a noble and solemn manner following a Steelers win in Cincinnati. It took several years for all of the NASA scientists and supercomputers to explore the large number of perfect conditions required for the subdued behavior by Steeler Nation.
Scientists were surprised to discover the theoretical representation indicated a Steeler Nation without drunk and disorderly behavior. There would be no arrests for property damage, public urination, or assault. Throughout this theoretical universe, solemn Steelers fans would treat opposing fans with respect.
A NASA Spokesman commented, "As you can see it is mathematically possible somewhere for Steelers fans to conduct themselves with great honor. For Steelers fans to behave with such poise and self-constraint, it is likely this universe would have to contain very limited oxygen levels."
NASA has also begun working on an alternative universe model that includes a Bengals player roster free of arrests for an entire season. This scenario is requiring more computer resources than originally anticipated but is expected to be complete in 2015.
- Bengals set record for number of appearances in other teams' highlight films
- Carson Palmer regrets Andy Dalton fantasy draft pick
- Bengals offensive plays called by same antique computer that creates WEBN playlist
- NCAA TOURNAMENT UPDATE
by Sarah Leugers, DERF Sports Columnist
- Ted Williamsí children agree to build life size bobble head figure with fatherís corpse.
- Pacman Jones criticizes Mike Nugents efforts in bar fights