In alternate universe Steeler fans celebrate win over Bengals with quiet dignity
ALTERNATE UNIVERSE - This week NASA Scientists unveiled a computer model of a theoretical universe in which Pittsburgh Steelers fans behaved in a noble and solemn manner following a Steelers win in Cincinnati. It took several years for all of the NASA scientists and supercomputers to explore the large number of perfect conditions required for the subdued behavior by Steeler Nation.
Scientists were surprised to discover the theoretical representation indicated a Steeler Nation without drunk and disorderly behavior. There would be no arrests for property damage, public urination, or assault. Throughout this theoretical universe, solemn Steelers fans would treat opposing fans with respect.
A NASA Spokesman commented, "As you can see it is mathematically possible somewhere for Steelers fans to conduct themselves with great honor. For Steelers fans to behave with such poise and self-constraint, it is likely this universe would have to contain very limited oxygen levels."
NASA has also begun working on an alternative universe model that includes a Bengals player roster free of arrests for an entire season. This scenario is requiring more computer resources than originally anticipated but is expected to be complete in 2015.
- Miami Heat reluctantly agree to play out season before getting championship trophy
- Marvin Lewis takes Bengals out for ice cream after win
- Green Bay Packers offer Brett Favre unconditional reverse deactivation restriction precluded with a Series B non-retirement binding discharge waiver (Helsinki version, 1972)
- World Cup fever strikes Americans just as Olympic fever subsides
- STUDY: Tom Brady 47% less attractive after season ending playoff loss
- Discarded Terrible Towels help absorb Ohio River pollutants