By Sarah Leugers, DERF Sports Columnist

Note: Normally the strategy during football season is to cover the most recent Bengals game. But the Bengals open the season on Monday Night Football and DERF goes to press on Tuesday night. Considering I will be at the game and no doubt in a celebratory mood, it’s highly unlikely that I could muster any creativity, humor, or insight (maybe not even “spelling” or “grammar”).

So I’ll take a look at some of the stats that emerged from the opening weeks of college and NFL football. I don’t have access to ESPN’s interns and research department to crunch data for me, but I’ve made some quantifiable observations, and I’ll end with some predictions for Monday night, which will have been proven or refuted by the time you read these words.

3- Number of hits that Lloyd Carr’s resume got on Monster.com. Two of those were from Purcell’s Athletic Director.

3.14159 (Pi)- The number used to calculate Charlie Weis’ waistline. (Hint: Charlie Weis is such a fatty, his belly is a perfect circle.)

12- Number of high fives exchanged between my friend and me as Penn State started to roll on Notre Dame. (Accented with 5 additional Nelson-style “HA-ha!’s”)

Absolute Zero- Likelihood that the friendly game of football including both black and white kids depicted in the Chevy Silverado commercial actually happened circa 1905. If you haven’t seen it, you’ll notice next time.

5- Years until Brett Favre is eligible for Medicare.

Infinity (∞)—Number of products Peyton Manning is willing to hawk for a buck.

10 per milliliter- Shawne Merriman’s sperm count. Don’t tell me he’s done juicing.

132- Collective yards of field goals Mason Crosby kicked in his NFL debut. A little plug for my fellow University of Colorado alumna.

33- Fantasy points scored by Randy Moss, earning him $50,000 in bonus incentives. Straight cash, homey.

Bengals MNF Predictions

3- Times the Bengals find the endzone on Monday night; ALSO the number of times my buddies will be on the Jumbo Tron doing the patented Jungle Boogie.

12:1- Odds that Chuck Bresnahan will make defensive adjustments at halftime (regardless of the score).

Baker’s Dozen- Number of times I will compulsively punch my friend’s arm during the game to denote any major advance and/or setback.

4- Carries by backs not named Rudi Johnson.

0/0- Passes attempted/completed to a Bengal tight end.

24-21- Final score. BENGALS on top.

9:30- My predicted time of arrival at work on Tuesday morning.