Newport strip clubs plan welcome party for PacMan Jones
NEWPORT, KY - Just hours after the Cincinnati Bengals signed Adam “PacMan” Jones to a contract, Newport strip clubs began planning a party to welcome Mr. Jones to the Tri-State.
Jones was involved in an altercation at a Las Vegas strip club which resulted in several people being shot and a criminal conviction. The Newport strip clubs, however see Jones arrival as only positive. “Those Vegas dancers can be real uppity,” said dancer Melinda Sue Marburg. “They think they’re so great because they ain’t got no c-section scar yet. But Newport girls is good people.”
Manager of the Brass Ass, David Oakes, also did not seem concerned about potential trouble. “As long as he brings the entourage and everybody has cash, he can pull a gun on any one of these broads. He better watch it though, most of the girls probably got him outgunned and some of them also got military grade explosives in their lockers.”
The clubs plan on offering Jones a welcoming banquet complete with goetta, bologna, and tater tots from the Pepperpod diner on Monmouth Street, and have also decorated the clubs with signs welcoming Jones to town. They plan on offering a “Pac-Man Special” in which patrons can chase dancers around the club while they attempt to gobble up little white balls.
“This is going to be the best celebration we’ve had in a long time,” said a Newport dancer who goes by the name Peaches. “We really haven’t had a good reason to throw a party since Jerry Springer left town.”
Though PacMan has indicated that his wild life is behind him, managers of the strip clubs in Newport feel that he will be a good and loyal customer. “I’ve heard it all before,” said Oakes. “Guys say they’ll never come back, but the beautiful ladies of Newport always manage to lure them back in. Our lead dancer, Myrna, she’s had repeat customers coming in to see her ever since she first started here in 1963.”
- Pittsburgh Steelers fans selling tickets, terrible towels, dignity on StubHub
- Bob Costas sets example for faking interest in Winter Olympics
- Maria Sharapova blamed for Cincinnati heat wave
- Brett Favre schedules new series of press conferences to reconfirm retirement plans.
- Record 1.8% of Opening Day crowd watched game
- Dusty Baker’s toothpick gets in shape for spring training