Wheels added to Joe Paterno statue for coaching and recruiting visits
STATE COLLEGE, PA - Penn State University athletic department officials have confirmed that the on-campus statue of Joe Paterno has been outfitted with wheels so that it can be used for coaching and recruiting visits. The statue is expected to play the exact same role in recruiting and coaching as Joe Paterno did in the last ten years or so.
An unnamed athletic department official. “Just as Joe did while he was alive, we want the statue to work it's magic on making this football team the best it can possibly be. In fact, I cannot think of anything that could happen in the world that would make us not want to have him around. Indeed, I can’t even think of one disgusting, sinister, ungodly ordeal that would change that.”
Only days after being removed from its foundation, the Joe Paterno statue made a recruiting trip to the home of Joshua Jackson, a Birmingham, Alabama high school running back who was still weighing his college options. “I had it narrowed down to Auburn, Florida State and Penn State,” said Jackson. “But that statue dude really impressed me. He’s totally chill. Really big. Really strong. You can tell from his stare how intense he is. So, now I’m proud to say I will be committing to Penn State and I am proud to be a Nittany Lion.”
The statue has several trips planned in the coming weeks to visit potential Penn State recruits. Officials say when football season arrives, the statue is expected to coach from the sidelines, rather than the press box.
- Carson Palmer proud of role in leading Bengals to playoffs
- Reds announce Disgusted Fan Bobblehead Night
- Roger Clemens thanks grand jury with lifetime supply of premium horse urine
- Post-victory couch burning alleviates Lexington bed bug crisis
- Marvin Lewis’ wife sick of constant throwing of challenge flag around house
- Embarrassing typo spoils Olympic Heroes celebration