Maria Sharapova increases average attractiveness of Warren County by 220%
MASON, OH - After arriving in the area for the Western and Southern Open Tennis tournament, Maria Sharapova immediately increased the average general attractiveness of Warren County, Ohio by 220%. It is believed to be the largest impact an individual has made on a county’s general attractiveness.
Organizers of the tournament have not acknowledged Sharapova’s impact in an effort to not offend the host city of Mason and Warren County. “We like to think of the many smiles created by our tournament,” said tournament PR representative Bethany Frank. “Smiling people are always more attractive, and everyone smiles at a great event like this. But we have noticed smiles in Mason often reveal unattractive wrinkles caused by over-tanning and excess consumption of wine. We've also seen quite a few missing teeth out there in Warren County."
Although Maria Sharapova was defeated in her her first match of the tournament, she decided to stay in the area to allow locals tp further enjoy her beauty. "I believe these people deserve to experience my beauty for a few more days. I will stay here looking beautiful as long as I can." said Sharapove following her tournament loss.
Residents of the county have taken Sharapova's presence in stride, though some have expressed resentment. “Found out that Sharpova is a foreigner. We got enough of them workin at the Kings Island and Claddagh Irish Pub. She ever come round here I grab her up by the hair of the head and slap the pretty off of her, she ain’t gettin’ my man.” said Blanchester Board of Education member Doris Kenney.
The annual tournament continues to interest sociologists who study the impact of the ATP Tournament can have on a region. “We started following the phenomenon years ago,” said Dr. Kevin McMahon. “There have been some shocking findings. In 2006 we discovered that Serena Williams boosted the county’s average testosterone level by 30%. We also discovered that no matter what mix of players are in attendance, they had no impact on the county’s average decibel level for grunting.”
- Aroldis Chapman introduces US fans to ancient Cuban ritual, ‘Summersault of Respect’
- Inside the Numbers
- Roger Clemens thanks grand jury with lifetime supply of premium horse urine
- Male Nurse Joe Harbaugh tired of family’s constant focus on sports
- “If I Stole My Memorabilia, This Is How I Would Do It”
- Louisville/Lexington mayors bet meth labs over Final Four basketball game