Cast of ESPNís SportsCenter to accompany Ray Lewis on celebratory nationwide killing spree
BALTIMORE, MD - Ray Lewis’ retirement celebration is set to revolve around a nationwide, vicious killing spree. He will be joined by the cast of ESPN’s SportsCenter, who will act as spectators, coaches, and cheerleaders as Ray Lewis kills his way across America.
“This is obviously going to be one of the greatest killing sprees in the history of America,” said SportsCenter anchor Scott Van Pelt. “When one hears the name Ray Lewis, one understands that greatness is about to happen. And the greatness of Ray Lewis murdering people from sea to shining sea is going to be an event that we are all going to be lucky to get to witness. Well, not witness in the sense of identifying and prosecuting the killer, but more like a first-hand witness of sporting greatness.”
As Ray leaves the hectic life of an NFL linebacker behind, he is looking forward to getting back to his hobbies and then becoming a commentator at ESPN. “Killing folks and talking about sports are my favorite ways to relax,” said the Baltimore Raven superstar. “Before starting work at ESPN, it’ll be good to get back into that great hobby of making people dead. Although, it might be kind of hard to sneak up on them with all the SportsCenter people applauding with each step I take.”
Lewis is scheduled to begin the vicious killing spree with a promotional appearance on The View, where he reportedly plans to kill one of the show’s popular co-hosts yet to be announced. SportsCenter Anchor Trey Wingo commented, “I don’t think even Ray knows which of the ladies he’s gonna kill yet. Improvisation has always been a part of the Ray Lewis mystique.”
After The View, the tour officially kicks off with a live re-creation of the January 2000 brutal stabbing of two men outside an Atlanta night club. Everything about this pair of re-created murders will be identical to the original murders. Lewis and his friends will commit the stabbings and then escape in a 40 foot stretch limo. Soon afterward, Lewis will stop the limo to discard his blood-stained white suit just as he did in the original case. Lewis will not have to stand trial in this case due to his status as a revered American sports icon and ESPN commentator.
Stuart Scott has been unable to contain his emotions upon hearing the news of Lewis’ nationwide killing spree. “I’m not sure what I am rooting for,” said Scott. “On the one hand, I wish I could watch Ray Lewis play football forever. But the exciting thrill I’m expecting as I see one of my favorite athletes murder people in cold blood is going to be hard to top. I’m getting tingly just thinking about it.”
- Usain Bolt to replace I'll Have Another
- Several Bengals detained and questioned in DC about death of panda cub
- Randy Moss demanded release from Vikings after inappropriate advances from Brett Favre
- Andy Dalton chokes during contract negotiations
- Cam Newton storms out of press conference after losing New Hampshire primary
- Joey Votto returns to work as Aroldis Chapmanís designated driver