BALTIMORE, MD - Super Tuesday came and went and Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson was still without a win. To bolster his ego and hopefully revitalize his campaign, Carson met with advisors to find a contest where he could be victorious. The plan ended in disaster as Ben Cason failed to win a straw poll conducted in his own suburban Baltimore home.
“I thought it was going to be closer,” said the former pediatric neurosurgeon. “The campaign had some data indicating that I had actually been rising in the polls around my house. Maybe it is because I speak so softly. Maybe it’s because the media does not do a fair job of making sure my message is broadcast. Or, maybe, it is because I forgot to pick up dinner on my way home and then fell asleep without taking out the garbage. I’m still trying to sort it all out.”
The blow of losing a contest held in his own home is being sighted as the reason Ben Carson decided to end his campaign. “I see no path forward,” said Carson. “I also see no path from the back patio to my shed. I have quite a bit of weeding to do in the backyard. No wonder I lost. I’ve got a lot of work to do.”
The winner of the straw poll was Republican front runner Donald Trump, who continued his dominance over the election. “We did very, very well in the Carson home,” said Trump in the victory speech he gave on the porch of Carson’s home. “I would like to point out that at no point did I go negative or say anything bad about Ben Carson. I could have. I could have pointed out that he has the charisma of moss. Actually, that would be a kind statement, since moss is generally alive, whereas I think someone needs to hook up one of those doctor machines to Ben’s head to see if he is still with us. But, he’s tremendous. I salute him for his hard fought campaign to win a poll in his own home. Now, I’m going to go relieve myself in his pool and make love to his wife. Thank you. Let's make America great again!”