COLUMBUS, OH - Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel has been suspended for two games and fined by the NCAA for not immediately alerting officials when he learned that some of his players were selling and trading memorabilia to a local tattoo shop owner. Moments after learning of the punishment, Tressel began selling off his extensive collection of sweater vests to pay the $250,000 fine.
“I take responsibility for what we do at Ohio State tremendously seriously, and obviously I plan to grow from this,” stated a saddened Coach Tressel. “However, I would like to point out that my loss is your gain, because I have some seriously tremendous sweater vests that I’m going to let go at fantastic rock bottom prices.”
The sweater vests are being made available on e-bay, craigslist, and several other online stores. They range in color from pale scarlet to bright scarlet and grey to slightly off-grey. In addition to the online sales, Tressel plans to sell some of the more impressive pieces of the sweater vest collection at a small booth that he will set up in the parking lot of the Fine Line Ink Tattoo parlor in Columbus. “That’s where I will have some of the real beauties,” explained Tressel. “The ones that were hand knit for me by longtime season ticket holders, the one knitted with fur that came from a wolverine I killed with my bare hands outside the big house in Michigan, and the one that was woven from remnants of Woody Hayes’ back hair.”
Selling the items in close proximity of the tattoo parlor was Tressel’s plan for a variety of reasons. “Being responsible for my team, I would like to keep an eye on this place to make sure none of my players are hanging around it,” he explained. “Also, I was thinking of going in and trying to trade a sweater vest for a tattoo. A tattoo of a sweater vest. That way if I sell them all off, I can go shirtless and still look fashionable.”